Tag Archives: cold weather

Old Fat Guy in Shorts, try to keep your lunch down I dare you.


Mrs S likes to look in the trash after I throw things away. Fish them out again and put them in the proper receptacle, the trash receptacle.

Pisses her off.

As she pulls out a plastic bottle and waves it my face…

“You know you’re contributing to global warming lazy.”

“-11 this morning, we could use a little global warming.”

Not what she wanted to hear. “You and your attitude are going straight to Hell you know that?” “Hmm can’t be that bad, the don’t recycle there.”

Blah blah blah

We really could stand a tish of global warming around here, it was freezing this morning. Much colder than it should be the end of February. When the kids were small, and winters were colder, I remember that by the end of February it was hard to keep the outdoor ice rinks nice. Not this year. Friggin cold walking to the bus stop. Legs went numb.

Then again, being a Minnesotan I reserve the right to laugh at the cold and did take the garbage cans out to the curb in my shorts.

Went to the gym this evening. Wore shorts for the first time since October. I don’t particularly like shorts. Feel nekkid in shorts. I like wearing jeans. I’d wear jeans every day if I could, unfortunately I have to wear dress clothes to work. In 2013 it’s a little absurd if you ask me. You can tell who works at my company on the busses, we’re the ones in suits and ties.

Well ties anyway. I don’t wear a suit anymore. I have several suits, I just don’t wear them. Mrs S is forcing me to go the gym in part, because I don’t wear my suits. They were nice. Don’t know of they’re nice anymore because I haven’t tried to wear them for awhile. For a good reason mind you. That’s why I’m going back to the gym.

Last weekend I sold my Nook color on Craigslist. Met the buyer at McDonalds. He sent me a note describing himself. Tall blonde dude. I sent him a text back “Bald fat guy”. Mrs. S pointed out that it feels wrong to describe yourself as a bald fat guy. Fuck that, it is what it is. “I don’t like describing my husband as a ‘bald fat guy’”.

She’s a little pissed off today. She got a letter yesterday that she wasn’t all that happy to get, she recieved her invitation to join the AARP. Retired Persons Union. She’s turning 50 tomorrow, my old lady. For 6 months anyway. I suggested that I should look into trading her in on two 25 year olds. She replied that it made sense that I’d want two wives since I’m twice a fat as I was when we got married.

I ain’t marrying any 25 year old until I get that AARP letter out of the garbage disposal. Jammed the thing up pretty good.

Not quite. 25% bigger, not 2X.

I hate going to the gym. I especially hate going when it’s -11 degrees. I wore shorts because I wasn’t too interested in changing in the locker room. “Why won’t you change in the locker room?” she asked. “Don’t want my stuff to get ripped off.” “Use that lock” she said, pointing to the my bag. There’s a lock hanging off my bag, but I can’t remember the combo. “When was the last time you opened the lock?” “It was the last time I went to the gym.” She looked at me.. “oh so back in the 90’s huh? I guess I’d forget too.”

90’s? Shit I have proof that I belonged to the YMCA between 2009 and 20122. I assure you I went every year. Usually in January.

I’m a long suffering hubbie IMHO.


Filed under Life

I’m Break’n the Law

Cool this morning here in the great white north. It’s not as white up here as it has been this time of year, we have about 4” of snow on the ground around the Casa. “Normal” for this time of year would be about 12” or more. Apparently if we had had that much snow on the ground we could expect temps overnight to be 15 degree colder than it was. Well, when I got up this morning the old creaky thermometer on the deck was reporting a brisk 15 degrees below zero. For those of you tracking in Celsius that’s -26. Etch glass with your nipples at those temps.

 Don’t care who’ya’are, that’s cold. 30 below would have been frigid.

At 15 the weather service issues the following warning, taken directly from their site:

This will result in
frost bite and lead to hypothermia if precautions are not taken.
When venturing outdoors… make sure you wear a hat and gloves.

Is that something we have to tell people? I’m wonder if there are in fact people who rely on this information to decide to wear a hat and gloves. News didn’t say anything about coats. A coat is more important in the overall scheme of things when thinking about hypothermia, than a hat or a glove. If I go outside wearing a hat and gloves but no coat, and freeze to death in the process, does my family have the right to sue the Weather Service for withholding critical information that could have prevented my demise?

I’m just ask’n.

This morning I broke the law. 99.9 percent of the time I’m a law abiding citizen. Prison is a great deterrent for me, a soft pinkish flabby fat man with moobs and no ability to defend himself wouldn’t last long in prison. Pretty sure I’d be sold for a pack of cigs. On the other hand I think prisons are smoke free now. Good, put the soft doughy dude into a pen of convicts who are participating in an involuntary smoking cessation program. Excellent.

So here’s what I did, ready.. I warmed up the car.

Yup, I backed the Durango out of the garage and left it running in the driveway to warm up. In Minneapolis I’ve learned it is illegal to leave a car running in the driveway with the keys in it. If you have a car starter, a popular northland accessory, press a button on your key chain and the car starts itself, you are limited to 3 minutes. A police man with a stopwatch could come by and cite you.


The reasons I’ve heard cited by the Social Engineers in this State-

–          Risk of having your car stolen.

  • OK fair enough. But regulating me to keep my car from being stolen is lame. Saves police work ok.. but just say you’re not going to look for it because your too busy, like you do when the steal my car in every other circumstance.

–          Wasting gas.

  • OK, this blows past lame and into the general realm of moronic. Yes I’m wasting gas. My gas that I paid $3.50 a gallon for, I’m going Libertarian on this and suggest it’s none of their beezos.

Turns out most cities in Minnesota have similar ordinances. Warming up the car is illegal.

You know what, at -15F we are approximately 20 degrees colder than the inside of my freezer. If stepped in from the outside and into my freezer, I’d be taking shit off, like my hat and gloves.

This morning I pulled the car into the driveway, popped Judas Priest in the CD player, little “Break’n the Law” and watched as the CD player promptly ejected the disc and flashed “error” on the screen. Too cold for the CD player. Windows fogged with my second breath. Not sure how that happens when most off the moisture in my breath instantly crystalized and dropped into my lap. More argument for warming up the car, decided to add another 10 minutes to the warm up time after that. When back in the house and 20 minutes later I crawled into the toasty warm truck and off to work I went. CD Player working fine.

I hope nobody reports me.


Filed under Life

Dreaming of a White Thanksgiving

Weather man said “Thanksgiving is shaping up to be the coldest Thanksgiving in 30 years.” In Minnesota that means something. As of this morning the weather head is predicting a high next  week of 15 degrees. This, is great news. It means that the turkey, once consumed and reduced to leftovers, can be safely put in a plastic bag and put out on the potting bench to freeze, saving room in my fridge and freezer. G-d provides for us here in Minnesota in so many ways, a free deep freeze for half the year being just one great perk.

We’re also supposed to get more of mother natures beautifer great beautifier, snow.. this weekend. Not a lot, but enough to spruce up some of the brown spots that have developed along the roads. And enough to cover up a weeks worth of lawn sausages planted by my angry corgi.

The longer I live here, the more I appreciate all the cool things about living here. Mrs S is still learning to appreciate some of the more subtle benefits of living north of the 45th parallel. Actually we live 3/10ths of a degree south of 45, but close enough for government work. Now on the downside, its’ going to be too cold to leave the wine outside for more than a few minutes, made that mistake before.

I remember the first Thanksgiving we were here and frankly I’m quite surprised to learn that that particular day wasn’t the record cold Thanksgiving. It was our first winter in Minnesota. We had about 12 inches of snow on the ground. I made a little toboggan run in the back yard for them. It ran down our little hill and into the little valley we have in the back yard. I smacked down the snow with the back of a shovel and made the run. The kids lined up with the sleds and whoosh.. of they went.

Actually it was less of a whoosh than it was a slow roll. Something was wrong, the snow wasn’t working the way I remember snow working in my youth. Hmmmm. I had a good idea, water. Off I went into the house, emptied out a Windex bottle and filled it with water. We could spare some Windex for the children. Always for the children.

I put 4 bottles of water down on the run. Since the temperature outside was about 8 degrees it froze instantly. In the mean time, sprayed some Pam on the sleds. We’re ready.

Frist kid, the Redhead, he was about 4 at the time. Down he went, much faster. He came shooting down the run, laughing all the way. The oldest kid did a couple runs, then it was my turn.

Inertia and gravity and the enemy of the obese.

The kids were able to pick my butt out of the chain link fence.

What did a kid from California know? Apparently nothing. By December the temps had dropped to sub-zero. I got a call from my brother in law in California. “Dude you gotta try something.” “whats that?” “Boil some water in a pan then go outside and throw it straight up in the air. It will turn into a giant cloud of snow. Go try it.” Sounded interesting. I went to the stove, boiled the water, walked out onto the driveway, copious amounts steam were rolling off the pan. I threw it straight up into the air. A monstrous cloud of steam went up, this was cool. And then, the sound of a pan full of water hitting the driveway where, it instantly froze into a large, slippery chunk of ice. Which sat on the drive way until April.

Which was nice.



Filed under Life