In recognition of 2000 posts a friend of mine made a suggestion that I do a series of greatest hits. Hmmm, something worth replaying here? Do I have 10 posts worth repeating? Surely in the last 2000 posts I can find something.
Actually I think it’s a fun idea. My readership has grown exponentially in the last couple years so there’s probably some good stuff in the past that no one ever read. What the hell, I’m a-gonna do it. Sit back, relax and enjoy, 10 of my favorite posts over the last 8 years here on Old and in the Way.
So here’s the first one, a rather hilarious recounting of some toilet issues that plagued us in the last few years. thank God we’re past those, for now.
From August 19, 2010
Demons in the house
I’m looking for a reference for a good Exorcist, just send them my email. Will interview at their convenience.
I don’t know why I didn’t think of this earlier.. for some reason demonic possession didn’t occur to me as a possible culprit in the on going saga of the Sank Guest Toilet. Just to recap;
– February 2008: the infamous potty speech in which I gather the children around the throne and ask the question “does anyone here know what this silver handle is for?” I was told at that time that the person or persons responsible for never flushing was in our house was, to quote my detective stories on TV.. an “UNSUB”. An UNSUB who goes by the aliases “Not me”, “I don’t know”, and my personal favorite, “what?”
– September 2008: Middle kid uses 3 rolls of toilet paper to stop a bloody nose. I’m surprised he didn’t pass out from blood loss, simply laying down would have worked faster. When told, by me to “throw away” all the piles of bloody TP in garbage and not in the can.. predictably he puts it all in the can and flushes. Result.. the great paper jam of 2008.
– February 2009: kid comes in from the cold, “accidently” drops disposable hand warmer in the toilet. Rather that fish it out.. he sends it down the sewer.
– April 2009: Several tropical fish are killed when my aquarium heater malfunctions, a family memorial service is held around the can, the family gathered for a celebration of life as our pets take the “coldwater high dive” to fish heaven. Two days later same can requires a vigorous plunging which results in a pale washed out fish zombie laying the bottom of the bowl. Shudda known then.
– July 2009: Gerry Gerbil sheds his mortal coil and assumes room temperature. I saw the body in the am on the way out the door and ignored it. I don’t know what happened to the body, but a CSI team who specialized in crappers did discover a white hair in the bathroom which was identified as being from a rodent. Middle kid is suspected simply because.
– August 2009: Several small earthquakes were felt in the vicinity of the downstairs bathroom. A message was left on the NOAA problem line, it was not returned.
– September 14, 2009: Toilet requires serious plunging to remove a clog. Immediate cause was not easily determined. Ants and spiders are observed migrating out of the downstairs.
– By late September the dog is no longer using what was his favorite potty for his afternoon cocktail. He will not enter the bathroom.
– October 9, 2009: Toilet is described as “slow”. There are unusual tremors happening in the bathroom downstairs, toilet is no longer flush to the floor indicating inflation in the subfloor.
– Sunday, 0ctober 10, 2009: I received a call from Mrs S in a seriously panicked voice, “You must return home immediately. The down stairs toilet has erupted.”
And so began a nearly yearlong saga of downstairs remodeling, inflation/deflation events and raw sewage magma in the underground chamber, and along with assorted plumbing issues. Rotorooter rooted out the line, among recovered item; a hand warmer, a wad of paper the size of Eddie Guardado’s head, and a gerbil femur.
Nothing like a house full of raw sewage. The damage was repaired, new carpets, floors and walls and the can was replaced by a professional. Well, professional painter and me..
By June, Mrs S was complaining that the toilet didn’t flush “right”. Meaning that when I put the can back on the sewer, the lift pipe thingie was higher than the potty resulting in a constant running. This condition was easily fixed by turning the tank lid around so it didn’t fit right and sat above the rim of the can instead of flush on it. Apparently this is not a long term solution. I tore apart the toilet and reinstalled the water pipe thingie, repairing the one I had.. you read about that here. Now the toilet didn’t refill unless you open the tank and jiggle the float after flushing. Mrs S indicates that this not acceptable. I indicate that there is no problem, this is simply a training issue and maybe change management problem.
Last Tuesday I replaced for the last time the “innerd’s” for the potty, and as long as I was there the seat. Matter of fact all the seats in the house. Some things simply can’t be cleaned after so much neglect. Disgusting too.
– August 18, 2010: I use the newly revived potty, it’s work’n better than it has since the eruption. We could flush another Gerry Gerbil now and I’m sure he’d make it all the way to the holding ponds in one wild ride. I flush. There is a disturbing “CLUNK” of something hitting the lid after I pull the handle. The demon is back and he wants out of the tank.
Water is now coming out from under the lid. I turn off the water, and with great trepidation, lift the lid to find the valve unattached from the base. I reattached the pipe and and shoved it down into the tank. This has NEVER happened to me before. Now the lift tube and valve were a new kind of fancy high tech floatless thing. I repaired it, turned the water back on and watched as the tank filled again, with no issues.
I hit the flush again… and watched in horror as the valve, unencumbered by a lid, shot strait up, out of the tank and just about imbedded itself in the ceiling, leaving behind a geyser shooting straight up out of the tank, soaking me. Mrs S picked that moment to come into the bathroom, looked at the geyser, looked at me, soaking wet, and asked my favorite question in those circumstances.
“What are you doing”
“I’m getting a drink”.
“Oh..” she said, “so you’ve installed a fountain on the potty, that’s handy.”
It’s not handy, I’m not handy and this toilet has gotten the best of me in the last year. My buddy told me I can buy a voodoo curse online for like $100.00 bucks that’s guaranteed to cause angst on the person you want it cast on. I wanted to know if someone had cast a curse on my or my toilet. My middle kid thinks that Gerry the Gerbils spirit has possessed the toilet and that’s why we’re enjoying all this.
My wife just thinks I should call a plumber. We’re waaay past that dear.. tonight, new innards.