Tag Archives: Wal-Mart

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

“No good deed goes unpunished”

I tell my kids that all the time. It seems that’s it’s almost always the case.

In Florida the one night at dinner, the entire clan wanted a picture. Nice. I, having a decent SLR volunteered to take the picture, and since nobody wants an old ugly fat guy in a sea of handsome folks, you get the idea. I takie the pickie, K.

I had a few that were actually pretty decent.

Good idea. I suggested to my Father in law that wouldn’t it be nice if I printed up 30 or so of the pics and send have them at the dinner event on the last night of the affair.

Great idea, and.. a very nice good deed indeed.

Enter the Internets . I uploaded the pics to Wal-Marts one hour processing center and selected the nearest store to where I thought I was, a place called Yulee Florida. Paid the $49.18 charge and approved the transaction. I got me an email back from Wal-Mart in just a few short minutes to notify me that the kind associates in the Yulee store had completed my order and it was available for pickup.

According to the Google Map thing, I should be able to drive to the Yulee Wal-Mart in about 15 minutes. Except… my GPS had no entry for Wal-Mart in Yulee. Portend of things to come.

When I can’t figure out technology I typically engage short term consulting from my middle kid, Red. “Here, program in Yulee Wal-Mart”. He did, so I thought. The girl friend, as my wife calls the disembodied voice of the voluptuous lingerie model who calls out directions in the nude from where ever it is she is, started me on the trip.

She got me off Amelia Island and over to Yulee. We passed a Target and a bunch of very sketchy businesses called Internet Sweepstakes … some kind of gambling loophole I assume.

So up the road I went. The GPS directed me northwards, 10 minutes away. After 15 minutes I was still 10 minutes away- odd. I kept driving North, not evev sure that I was still in Yulee, and then…

Welcome to Georgia!

Turns out I wasn’t even in Florida anymore.

Big u’ie and back south to Yulee FLA. I found my way back to Target and started looking around again, and again and no luck. How frustrated was I? I suppressed every male gene in my body and actually asked directions. Asked a lady righ there in Piggly Wiggly lot. Sho’nuff, “I’m sorry Ma’am, I’m looking for the Wal-Mart”, “Wal-Mart, why it’s just there behind the Piggly Wiggly young man, jus’ rat o’er they’ah yondah”.

Shit.

In Wal-Mart I made my way back to the photo booth. “Sir, you maat wanna take ya’self a little peek at them pictures, they didn’t crop quite raat”. Quite right? It’s a group photo and three people on each side were gone and the fourth on each side- cut in half.

“Sir, you can tak’m back to the customer service counter and get your money back” Yeah.

Or Not.

For the next hour and half I got to enjoy the following discourse

“I need a receipt”

“ bought it on the internet I don’t have a receipt. Oh. That’s a computer thing BTW.”

“Don’t know how much to give ya back?”

“how ‘bout forty-nine dollars and eighteen cents?”

So we divided by 30 and put that number in the register and guess what.. didn’t add up. Pesky sales tax. And, despite their best efforts to do the math.. “Tell you what, just give me a couple Jackson’s and we’ll call it good.”

I finally got $45.00 back and got while the gott’n was good.

But, alas I was unable to complete the original idea for a good deed and get everyone the pictures they wanted. Will try again this weekend.

 

 

 

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Summer Reads

How long does it take to get a movie from a Redbox Kiosk? In some places, up to a half an hour it seems. Especially when the dude is front of you is unfamiliar with concept of “search” and “credit card”. I guess I own part of for making the mistake of trying to use a Redbox at a Wal-Mart, they’re customer base not well know for intellectual capital.

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

Really, the Redbox machine does not have a little curtain on it that you can duck behind for that “special” section folks. I don’t like it either but even old Mr. Sank knows better than to go looking for porn on a Redbox machine.

Besides here in Rural Wisconsin the local convenience store has a much better selection.

Old Mr. Sank’s been on a bit of reading roll for a change. Reading for pleasure being one of those things that I tell myself, and others, I do more than I actually do, schedules being what they are. None the less I did manage to squeeze in a few books in the last couple weeks, a couple of which were actually pretty good.

The first one, a recommend from Blog Buddy Bill at Lazylightning.org, Gang Leader For A Day by Sudhir Venkatesh is a pretty interesting account his experiences as a young sociologist infiltrating the Projects on South Side. The old Robert Taylor Homes. I remember those buildings from trip to the Old Comiskey Park. I had read some of Dr. Venkatesh’s work on this in Freaknomics, another great read by the way, where he talked about his surprise at just how well organized a drug gang could be. And, how their intuitive understanding of supply chains and market conditions rivaled Fortune 500 companies.

Gang Leader for a Day takes it a bit further and goes in depth about the social structure of the projects, and the different coping mechanism folks employed to stay alive. It’s a different world out there peeps.

The other book I really liked this was Darwins Radio by Greg Bear. Darwin’s Radio is very well written story in the Hard Science Fiction genre. No space ships and aliens here, Hard SciFi is fiction within the context of what we know, or in this case, think we know, now. Darwins Radio is about a virus which activates a sequence of human DNA in pregnant women. The result is one generation advance in human evolution. Seems far fetched that in one generation you could dramatically change an organism via DNA. So I thought as well until I happened to listen to my weekly podcast from the Economist.

The Economist had a piece on the Human Genome Project and what sort of markers we could be leaving on our DNA, we know about genetic damage thanks to certain chemicals, we’re starting to wonder about GMO food.. and as an example of using genetic markers to change a organism.. honey bees. Turns out, Queen Bee’s are “created” by the workers by feeding larvae royal jelly. That I knew. What I didn’t know is that royal jelly activates certain strands of the bees DNA that creates a completely different creature from her genetically identical sisters in the hive. Fascinating.

Bottom line on Darwins Radio, it’s a good story and a fun summer read.

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Black Friday Report

In a word, two words actually-

It SUCKS.

This year consumers are supposed to have the power.. not so. We are in fact powerless thanks the demise of the small businesses that used to account for the majority of retail. We’re now statistics, our behavior tracked and predicted. And, they get us at 4:00 am, offer items that they don’t have, or have the legal minimum off with the hopes that we’ll buy something else. 

It’s time for a consumer revolution in my opinion. The best protest, keep your wallet in your pocket, and tell them the off when the reach for it.

Here’s my letter of the day to the folks at Amazon.com- a company I used to like.

Three years in a row I have been unable to purchase any of your black friday offers. The three TV’s I attempted to buy today, were sold out in seconds, before I could even click on fucking button. This makes me wonder how many you actually had, and even more how many folks like me who, are decent customers of yours but after enduring this BS will no longer shop with you. I can only guess that your intention is to get me to come to your store, see a deal and settle for something else when the deal is unattainable. That, is bait and switch and is unethical and in many cases illegal, but I’m sure you’ve found a loophole.

When you’re as big you are, clearly you can treat your customers poorly, after all, with all your analytics we’re j

ust Statistics. You can move me from 40 purchases a year column to the 0 if you’re keeping track.

On the other hand, you’ve given me my blog topic for the day, Thanks for that.

They’re just doing what everyone else is doing..

My Hall of Retail Shame for today’s Black Friday

1) KOHLS- 4:00 am? Really? Here’s the message from Kohls- Employees, since you can’t get jobs anywhere else right now.. our message to you is Row Well And Live.. Roman Galley Slave Style. To our customers, we’re proud to say our Kohls Customer so stupid.. we can get them out into the store on 5 hours sleep after Thanksgiving with promises of deals that we’re not going to offer our “normal” customers, who aren’t getting up at 3:30. Since that’s me what I’m reading in that, and would suggest the rest of you read into is. At Kohls we’re giving great deals to people with no life. Since you have a life, we don’t want your business.

2) JC Penney- This is a company that is in it’s death spiral. Since they’ve irrelevant to the market for years, they just do what ever Kohls makes them do. .com business excepted. They too, opened at 4:00 and BTW offered the same shit they do every year. Their circular could have been dated 1989 as the stuff was the same, Jewelry and cheap kitchen stuff.

3) Amazon.com- This one hurts a bit as I really liked them. However their Black Friday antics are reprehensible. Their strategy is to build up the buzz, offer amazingly low deals and then.. poof- sell them out in seconds. Last year they had the audacity to offer lotteries for the “opportunity” to buy stuff at great prices. I never won such an opportunity. So I’m bitter. Sort of.. What it did tell me however is that many folks were buying stuff at cheaper prices than I was which meant I wasn’t going to buy anything at all. This year.. no lottery, just no inventory. Sad to say I’m on Amazon boycott now.

4) Apple- They crack me up. The Worlds Most Expensive electronics store sends out emails, banners etc on their site that great deals on black Friday were coming. What were the deals? On only two MAC models they offered an 8% discount. On their soon to be discontinued iPod, about 15%.. Better than nothing but not worth the hype.

5) Gander Mountain- Opened from 3:00 to 9:00 on Thanksgiving Day. Again, employees, we own you. You customers, have some turkey and then come on down and try out the new 9mm from Glock, you’re gonna give more than thanks.

Now, the winners

1) Wal-Mart- Hands down beat the crap out everyone. Their prices were unbeatable, they had loads of inventory, they controlled their front doors (death of a customer being a good motivator) it’s pretty rosy down in Bentonville these days and they continue to set the bar.

2) Half-Price Books- Probably the best Black Friday offering of the day. Nice mellow 6am opening, coffee and cookies at the door, 20% off the entire store. Enter to win a $100.00 gift card. Love the love I get Half Price.

This year, join the rebellion folks.. keep your wallet in your pants or purse until they offer you something worth buying.

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The Price of Wal-Mart

Pretty good article following from MSN (surprising that “good” and “MSN” go together) about Wal-Mart. One note, MSN needs to learn about sharing articles. Link to blog/facebook would really increase their viral presence.

 

The price of Wal-Mart coming to town

When the retail giant moves in, it promises cheaper goods, more jobs and more tax revenue. And in the short term, it delivers. But the initial boost hides later losses.

By Karen Aho

MSN Money

Wal-Mart sure sounds like a good idea when it first rolls into town. That much is clear.

The thousands of U.S. cities that have said yes to the "always low prices" pioneer since 1962 did so for good reason. Many were so enthusiastic they even threw in cash incentives ($1.2 billion in taxpayer subsidies and counting).

And Wal-Mart came through. The disciplined Bentonville, Ark., discounter didn’t become the world’s largest (non-oil) company and history’s most influential retailer, after all, by not following through on its promises:

  • Jobs: Check. More than 1.4 million Americans draw a Wal-Mart paycheck.
  • Low prices: Check. It’s generally agreed that consumers in an economy without Wal-Mart in it would spend considerably more — by some estimates as much as $2,500 per household more.
  • Tax boosts: Check. The cities where Wal-Mart builds do see an upswing in sales tax receipts.

Wal-Mart promised to add 22,000 jobs in the U.S. this year by opening or expanding some 150 new supercenters, those 187,000-square-foot giants that include grocers. In today’s job-hungry economy, many well-meaning, practical citizens have rolled out the welcome mat, little expecting that the move could backfire on their communities.

A Trojan horse?

A glance at Wal-Mart’s store openings page, or any news story that follows (they’re eerily similar), reveals the reason: "an increase in tax revenue" and "150 new jobs" for Wilkesboro, N.C., or "450 new jobs" for Albuquerque, N.M.

The numbers may change, but this key point does not: The promised benefits are not something a city can easily ignore.

Yet each of Wal-Mart’s promises has a flip side.

  • Jobs: Check. But, after an initial boost, studies show a net loss of jobs.
  • Low prices: Check. So low that wages and benefits are reduced as well. Then the neighbors follow suit.
  • Tax boosts: Check. But that boost comes at the expense of communities nearby, which tend to lose any businesses that compete. And don’t forget to factor in the cost to taxpayers of subsidies for Wal-Mart and public aid to low-wage workers.

When Wal-Mart comes to town, "it’s a switcheroo," said Nelson Lichtenstein, a professor of history at the University of California, Santa Barbara, and the author of "The Retail Revolution: How Wal-Mart Created a Brave New World of Business."

"They create jobs now, immediately," he said. "Over time . . . they erode better jobs."

For its part, Wal-Mart says its stores continue to serve local economies for years after they go up.

"Wal-Mart is a solution for many communities across the country, offering quality jobs, career advancement, stimulating local economies with new business opportunities and generating tax revenue for cities," said Michelle Bradford, a Wal-Mart spokeswoman.

Certainly, Wal-Mart doesn’t set out to undermine local economies. Nor do the city fathers who approve the stores or the consumers who shop at them. Each of them is serving constituents — stockholders, taxpayers or households — as best they can.

How can such good intentions go so wrong?

The promise

Take Ventura, Calif., a coastal town north of Los Angeles now divided over a proposed Wal-Mart. The biggest selling point for proponents: an estimated $350,000 to $500,000 net jolt to the city’s coffers from the supercenter’s added sales taxes.

California, which led the movement to cap property taxes in the 1970s, desperately needs sales taxes to pay its schoolteachers and police officers.

"It’s not a bonanza, but it’s a fiscal positive," said Rick Cole, the city manager. "That pays for three full-time firefighters."

Wal-Mart came out in support of President Barack Obama’s plan to require employers to provide health insurance to workers, putting it at odds with most large corporations.

Market-opportunity studies show that one-fifth of 500,000 weekly shoppers at the Wal-Mart in Oxnard, a town just south, live in Ventura.

"We already have some proportion of our population slipping out in the night to shop over there," said Ventura City Councilman Carl E. Morehouse. "Why should Oxnard get the benefits?"

It’s this grim reality that puts folks like Morehouse in a bind. He doesn’t like Wal-Mart, and he won’t shop there, ever. A pro-labor Democrat, he opposes the company’s business practices and their impact on the environment and working conditions, both here and abroad.

But he can’t in good conscience deny his city’s residents the opportunity to build a Wal-Mart if they want to (voters will decide in November).

"I am torn between two things: the fiscal demands to keep the city whole and a dislike of Wal-Mart," he said. "I have to look at the big picture for our financial needs."

A zero-sum game

Each supercenter — the only big box Wal-Mart builds these days — means, on average, 300 retail jobs with a strong company.

"It’s the No. 1 reason" towns cite for approving construction of a Wal-Mart, said Al Norman, a critic who’s been talking about Wal-Mart across the country for 17 years. "They tell me, ‘Yeah, we have to bend zoning laws. Yeah, it’s going to make neighbors unhappy. But it’s creating jobs.’ "

And in the beginning, jobs do come, at least at ground zero.

Immediately, there are the 50 to 100 construction jobs, which last maybe a year. Then there are the 300 new retail positions at Wal-Mart. There may well be hiring at businesses nearby that offer things Wal-Mart does not — places like restaurants, gas stations, auto dealers and building-supply stores.

So Wal-Mart serves as a magnet, benefiting those that are close but not competitive. A study funded by Wal-Mart showed a 10% gain in sales in California towns where supercenters opened between 2003 and 2007.

The notion is confirmed by independent studies, which, unlike the Wal-Mart report, explain the likely reason: A Wal-Mart draws shoppers from neighboring towns. After picking up their staples, the shoppers fill up on gas, eat at a restaurant or visit other specialty outfits before driving home.

You can buy only so much Tide

Once you’re out of sight of the Wal-Mart parking lot, the job numbers begin to fall so steeply that they threaten to erase any gain.

In the end, the only way to end up with a gain of anything close to 300 new jobs is if you use what Norman, who launched the Sprawl-Busters Web site, calls "Wal-Math: There’s no subtraction pad, just addition."

The reason is simple but often overlooked in the face of a prospective "new job," which is understandably viewed as a good thing.

Wal-Mart sells things people already buy, and typically locally. Things like bread, shampoo and rakes. When Wal-Mart opens, consumers merely shift their dollars; they don’t spend additional money.

"You don’t say, ‘Honey, we can buy our dog food for 20% cheaper at Wal-Mart, let’s get another dog,’" said Charles Fishman, author of "The Wal-Mart Effect."

"Wal-Mart isn’t Apple. Wal-Mart isn’t Cisco Systems. It’s not creating a new line of business in the U.S. economy," Fishman said. "We don’t fill the pantry three times just because we can shop at Wal-Mart. We just stop shopping somewhere else."

But the jobs at those other stores don’t just move to Wal-Mart. The company is intensely focused on its mission: low prices. As a result, it has engineered ways to ring up 60% more in sales per employee than other stores. It needs fewer workers to sell shoppers the same amount of goods. Translation: Jobs are lost.

How ‘new’ jobs become no jobs

Academic studies — about the only ones considered truly objective — have calculated the decline in jobs at other businesses. Within the first year, hundreds of other retail jobs are lost, leaving a net gain of just 100 retail jobs in any given county, according to research by University of Missouri economist Emek Basker.

After five years, an additional 50 are lost as more businesses close, leaving a net gain of 50 retail jobs. Factor in 20 supply jobs lost, because Wal-Mart operates its own distribution centers, and you’re left with a net gain of 30 jobs. The study was not able to calculate with statistical accuracy the changes in neighboring counties.

A study led by David Neumark, an economist at the University of California, Irvine, counted a net loss of 150 jobs after a Wal-Mart opened. Wal-Mart didn’t create jobs; it destroyed them. For every person who got a job at Wal-Mart, 1.4 other retail workers lost theirs.

This doesn’t even get into broader ripples of the Wal-Mart effect on manufacturing jobs. Its cost-cutting makes it a leader in moving production overseas. The Economic Policy Institute, a nonprofit Washington, D.C., think tank interested in protecting middle- and low-income Americans, estimated the loss at 77 U.S. manufacturing jobs for every Wal-Mart.

When what we’re left with is jobs at Wal-Mart, said Lichtenstein, "The question is the quality of the jobs at Wal-Mart."

Life inside ain’t so grand, either

In December, on the eve of a new presidential administration vowing to enforce labor laws, Wal-Mart settled 63 wage and hour cases (registration required) alleging stolen hours, denied breaks and forced unpaid work.

Wal-Mart has responded by saying the suits were launched years ago, and that it, too, is under new leadership. The company has also said it is improving its health coverage, previously criticized as so thin that workers used government aid instead.

But the company doesn’t provide many details. It doesn’t disclose what percentage of workers are full time (only "most") or how many of its 1.4 million U.S. associates get health benefits (only "1.1 million associates and family members").

Those who research working conditions say that the pay and the benefits may be somewhat comparable to other big-box discounters, where low price comes at a cost that’s borne, in part, by the workers. (Wal-Mart says its average full-time hourly wage is $10.83; the federal Bureau of Labor Statistics reports the average general-merchandise retail worker earns $12.76 an hour.)

But Wal-Mart is particularly driven when it comes to cutting costs.

Because managers must carefully juggle staff to match customer traffic, workers can’t rely on consistent schedules. And because managers must keep payroll down, workers are given little incentive to advance or even to remain. (You can read employees’ own stories at Wal-Mart employees speak out.)

As the competitive leader in the retail market, Wal-Mart sets the tone; studies have shown that when Wal-Mart comes to town, the wages of workers at other businesses also drop. Research (.pdf file) out of the University of California, Berkeley, found in 2007 that total wages in a given county decline by 1.5% for each Wal-Mart that opens.

Even though the prices of the goods Wal-Mart sells tend to drop as well, lower wages and lower prices don’t necessarily balance out. Consumers spend 80% of their money on the things the company doesn’t sell — houses, cars, medical care — items that aren’t priced on a Wal-Mart wage scale.

"Here is a genuinely new, innovative institution," Lichtenstein said of Wal-Mart. "But it’s a low-wage drag on the economy insofar as it’s the model for everybody else. . . . Over time Wal-Mart reduces the quality of jobs in the whole service sector."

The Wal-Mart model

When Robert E. Scott, an economist with the Economic Policy Institute, talks about manufacturing jobs driven overseas by Wal-Mart, he likes to relay "an amazing" story he heard at a trade dinner.

A Montana farm sold mint to an American toothpaste company. One day the toothpaste company mysteriously ceased its orders.

Wal-Mart, the toothpaste company explained, had decided that by its calculations a cheaper toothpaste could be made by importing vats of mint oil from China. Wal-Mart, known for trying to reduce costs by 5% every year, said it wanted to buy the cheaper paste and would find somebody else to make it, if necessary. The farm took a serious financial hit.

The story is remarkable to Scott because it is not traditionally the role of the retail buyer to design a cheaper mousetrap and tell other companies to build it. But any book on Wal-Mart’s bullish drive to lower prices would reveal that it’s hardly unique for suppliers to feel driven overseas to reduce costs.

traced a loss of 200,000 U.S. manufacturing jobs to China just by looking at Wal-Mart’s additional sales for the six years ending in 2006. That’s 33,333 jobs per year, or 641 every week.

Those numbers don’t include the hundreds of thousands of jobs already lost to meet existing sales, he said. Nor do they take into account U.S. manufacturing jobs that suppliers to Wal-Mart moved to other countries, such as Mexico, Vietnam, Thailand and India.

"Total job displacement may be two or three times as high as what I estimated there," Scott said. "The question is who is going to make the goods that go in those shelves, and that’s what’s being overlooked and hidden in the PR statements from companies like Wal-Mart."

"This is not just a problem with Wal-Mart," Scott points out. However, "in the retail sector, they really led the way. Everybody is now following the Wal-Mart model."

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M Day at Wal-Mart

Wal-Mart is always a good place to go when I’m running short of material. Sunday was no exception. As part of our Mothers Day Celebration and Commemoration we (the Jock and I) cleaned out the garage. In Minnesota a spring garage cleaning is mandatory, if for nothing else to remove the pounds of gravel that accumulates in your garage thanks to our road departments snow and ice removal efforts. Up here, tons of the stuff are dropped on the streets all winter long, only to be dragged in to the garage as part of the compacted snow that accumulated in the wheel wells and under the fenders of cars. I’m also noticing that our cement garage floor is much more pitted than I remember from previous years. Thank the salt for that.

Essential in the Spring cleaning process is the putting to sleep of the winter tools and the resurrection of the summer ones. As I put the Stabil into the trusty snowblower I said a little prayer.. a prayer of thanks, for all its faithful service this winter, and a little add on that by the grace of G-d this had better be the last damn time I use the thing until late into December. I’m thinking I’m safe on that note. Of course you would thought that in April too, but we got 20 inches of snow in April…

The Lawnboy woke up with no problem.. Nate promptly pushed her around the yard for our first lawn harvest of the year. I don’t do much right with lawns.. but I do fertilize the first week in November, like clockwork… which means that the roots of the lawn grow a bit under the snow, and when the snow finally melts, I always have the greenest and lushest lawn on block. Lasts about three weeks then everyone else catches up and I start going to the lake and ignoring my lawn.. making me friendly with the neighbors.

The ride-on mower however… well she didn’t wake up as easily as the other tools. She’s spent the winter in the back of the garage making sure assorted toys and tools and an old computer don’t touch the ground. Digging her out I saw that her annual flat tire was, well flat as it always is this time of year. It’s a game, we fill it up about three times a summer and I pledge to fix it, and I never do. We have an agreement that way. This year however, the battery was also dead. The old girl wasn’t going anywhere.

Since any good garage cleaning starts with the annual “pulling of the crap out of the garage” exercise I needed to get a new battery. In the past I’ve charged the battery in these situations, however this year I found myself without a charger. Last year I had two, one at the lake and one at home. The one at home was loaned out to the Israeli cousin last fall for his car. Apparently growing up on the metric system prohibits one from understanding voltage and what not. He recharged his battery at 50 amps (the setting used to start a dead car, not charge) for three days. When he returned the charger, with a sheepish grin, the thing had scorch marks on the side and smelled like a mouse caught in a bug zapper.

So, new battery, means trip to the Wallies Emporium. I don’t spend a tremendous amount of time in Wal-Mart, despite its proximity to me. I’m not all that big about climbing over shit stacked in the aisles to get to other shit.. I also find myself wondering, every time I’m in there.. “Where in the hell do these people come from?” the place is loaded with folks you almost never see in Apple Valley. Actually I saw the same crowd one time at the local Mongolian Asian Vietnamese all you can eat place. They come out when they serve all you can eat crab. This is the crowd who consider white rice an exotic grain. This is also the crowd who wear shorts all year because their calves don’t fit in anything but sweatpants. You’d see these 400 pounders filling plate after plate with piles of crab leg scarfing away, shirts stained with crab juice and rice… could have been the grossest thing I’ve ever seen in a restaurant. They eat there, then pop over to Wal Mart for Tums and weight loss products. Needless to say the Asian place quickly stopped serving crab and I quickly stopped going in there.

Anyway, Red and I made the trek to the megalow mart. We parked in the back, by the automotive entrance. I figured that we’d found a way to avoid the whole front entrance thing at Wal Mart. No parking, hundreds of the largest people you’ve ever seen in your life fighting over the managers specials in the front of the store, the nauseating smell of the baking bread at the Subway franchise, the ugly kids on the wall of the portrait studio.. all badness. We snuck in the back door passing a Coup Deville with a punched in front grill. In the Automotive department I asked about the battery for our lawn tractor.

Goober- “You’re gonna haf’ta look up tha model in that book”

Sank- “Seriously? I just need a lawn tractor battery.”

Goober- “Them are all different, you gotta look’um up”

Sank- “When I bought this one I just found Lawn and Garden on the side and bought it”

Goober- “Is this’n on warrenty? You get some money back if it is.”

Sank- “I don’t think it is, but if you want to check you can be my guest.”

Goober looked it over and remarked “Can find no number on this’n”

The batter I had was from Fleet Farm. The store I probably should have gone to in the first place.

Goober- “I ain’t sure we can return this one.”

Sank- “call me crazy, but do you honor warranties form a competitor?”

Goober “A what?”

Sank- “Fleet Farm.. its from Fleet Farm”

Goober- We can’t take back no Fleet Farm battery”

Sank- “got it, but you can recycle it and then I can avoid the $10.00 surcharge”

Goober “Oh.. yeah you kin do that. Did you want another batter then?”

At this point I’m flabbergasted.

“Well, since this one is dead.. a replacement would be nice”

Goober “they’re over there. You gotta look up the model in the book, lemmie help ya”.

Full circle now.

Grabbing the book he asked “what model do you have?”

My turn to be stupid.

Sank- “Crap I forgot. Eric what model lawn mower do we have?”

Eric – “A black one”

Sank- “There ya go.. black”.

Goober “They’re all back ‘sept for John Deere. Them are green”.

I swear I’m in the twilight zone.

For some reason when I’m trying to remember useless stuff like the names of people or lawn equipment, I can usually remember the first letter of the name if nothing else.

Sank- “Starts with a ‘P’”

Eric – “Poulan”

Goober- “OK… lets see here… You don’t know the model number do you?”

Sank “I don’t”

Goober “Well, I ain’t sure we can help you ‘till you get the model number. You can use the phone if ya want ta axe someone”.

Sank- “Lemmie see the book”

Looking at the book I see that there are about 20 different model numbers for Pouhlan Tractors. Then I notice the following remarkable circumstance. The battery model number for every one is the same. U-71. On closer examination I see that for every brand, every tractor, the model number is U-71.

Sank- “Eric, come ‘ere. Am I crazy or are all these numbers the same?” he agreed. “hey Goober, where’s U-71 on the wall here.”

Goober- “Them are at the bottom there. Where it says lawn and garden equipment. Oh, and we’re out of ‘um. Oops Break time.. Anything else I can ‘hep ya with?”

Sank- “Why start now.”

Goober took of on a break, replaced by a guy who actually looked and talked like he’d successfully finished the second grade. “Oh, you want a tractor battery. They’re all the same size.. we’re out of the U-71, but you can get the premium version for a bit more. It’s U-71R.”

Sank- “seriously? What’s the difference?”

New Guy- “Well, the base one is $20.00, the premium is $25.00”

Sank- “That’s the only f#$ing difference? WHY ARE WE HAVING THIS STUPID DISCUSSION”.

New Guy “Well, that’s about a 20% difference Sir.”

Great, a math genius stuck at Wal Mart.

I relayed the discussion I had with his coworker. “Yeah, he likes to do things by the book. We’re supposed to verify the model numbers. And yup they’re all the same.”

We paid and walked out. They lock the back door so we had to be buzzed out. On the way we passed Ole Goober and angry looking dude looking over the Caddie in the bay.

Goober- “Sir did’ja know your hood don’t open?”

Dude- “Yeah, she’s stuck for some reason”.

Goober- “We gonna have a hard time changing the oil if we kaint open up the hood Sir”

Dude- “I guess so, I don’t know why the things stuck”.

Red, my son looked up at me “Hmm ya think the fact that you hit something and bent up the grill and hood has anything to do with it? “

Sank- “You’re too smart son”.

When we got home Mrs S asked what “Took you so damn long”.

Red responded before I could “Jeez Mom, it’s like Moron day at Wal-Mart”

I’m so proud. So was his Mother. “Ahh Wal Mart, Moron day is every day at Wal Mart dude.”

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