I’m looking for an intern.
I hadn’t thought of this before but one of my super media savvy colleagues, and new member of the OITW Editorial Board has hired one for her site. This made me think I may have been missing out on one of the greatest free labor scams since my people were employed by the Egyptians 4000 years ago.
So here’s the deal. You college kids out there looking for a career in writing especially those of you who have exhausted all other options, consider an internship at Old And In The Way. This is an unpaid position, but if I like you and you do a good job for us, a $19.95 gift certificate at the Old and in the Way online Shoppe. You’d be awfully cool walking around on campus with the latest piece of OITW gear. Not to mention our world famous line of intimate apparel. Stuff is blowing off the shelves.
What do you have to do?
I have a list of stuff I’ve wanted to do here on Old and in the Way for like three years, but time, motivation and the distraction of great television have conspired to keep me from making this site the greatest blog in the universe.
By the way, as I’ve perused that ole’ internets I’ve realized content is not all that important. The damn net thing is chock a bloc full of some of the worst written and composed shyte you’d ever imagine. And most of those sites have 100X the exposure I do. Seriously. There’s a couple that I track out there that are so pathetic, it’s like a train wreck, I can’t look away, everyday I want to see what new low these self proclaimed authors will come up with, crappy content and poor spelling and grammar.
I know I should talk, but even in my darkest self-deprecating days, which in case you were wondering are usually Tuesday and occasionally Sundays, especially later in the day, I still recognize that this site is a far better read than a lot of stuff out there.. so you know they’re bad.
Off track again.. where was I… O yeah Interns.
I know this is probably a violation of the Americans With Disabilities Act but I’m going to have to insist that people with ADD, even if you’re bloodstream is saturated with Ritalin, will not be considered for this space. We can’t go having the entire staff getting distracted every time a bird flies into a window or someone somewhere pulls the tab on a beer can. Someone hasta get shit done around here and our newsroom down on the first floor is already choc a bloc (twice in one blog- I’m sure in a great mood, I uh woke up to Coleman Hawkins playing “Ruby My Dear” on the radio and found myself strangely happy this am. And since Coleman Hawkins has been dead for almost as long as I’ve been alive I thought it would be neat to drop a couple mid century terms into the dialogue. ) Speaking of beer… oh yeah interns.
One more note, please read the above paragraph to yourself several times over. Applicants, that’s pretty much how every conversation with me goes.. we switch topics at such a dizzying pace that even I, the conversation leader, gets confused as to what it was we were actually talking about. If you can deal with that, read on, the rewards are great!
The SELL- or Why you should be interested in being an Old and in the Way intern given that it doesn’t pay a dime, or do much for padding up your resume.
- A chance to work with one of the most original thinkers I know. (small bow) Strategic planning, concept development, all skills I can pass on.
- Work from home. I don’t have to see you, you can be virtual.This is a change BTW, when I started imaging an intern in my mind I was kinda imagining a certain gender and well, I was imaging the au pair I always wanted.I actually wanted to hire an au pair for our kids at one time. I thought that it would free up Mrs S from having to worry about whatever it is that she worries about.. no I can’t even fake it. Cousin had a series of au pairs, almost every summer. Nice 20 something girls from Sweden who would come over, live with the family and watch the kids. Cousin had a pool and the kids and the au pairs would hang out there in the afternoon. And.. I swear to you every father on the street would somehow find an excuse to be in my cousins kitchen promptly at 3:11 bumming butter, a beer, parsley, you name it.
I like the idea but we don’t have a pool and my little goldfish pond out back ain’t gonna get the same kinda attention given that we have too many trees for tanning .. that and Mrs S said no. No, with extreme prejudice mind you.. Which reminds me, I’m out of blue cheese stuffed olives.. I think Curt had some when I was over there last.. back in August I think.. May hafta drop over. So Intern job one- I need a round trip ticket to NYC and a cab to Long Island to see if they have any olives. F’n martini ain’t gonna make itself dude.. get on it. And yes. I am a pig. Just know that upfront and we’ll get along fine.
- Objective and pithy observations about the world around you. I can teach you how to see the little things in life that make things so interesting. You too will be able to write 500 words on a trip to Taco Bell for example.
- Lunch, once a week, made by me. If you’re local that is.
- Life lessons from 49 long assed years of living transferred to you a digestible manageable form.
- Amazing insight into marriage and how to stay that way. Lesson 1- drop the au pair conversation quickly. BTW.. and sorry to digress again. More than one of the cousin’s neighbors had the same deal and a certain percentage of them wound up divorcing and marrying, yeah the au pair. I can not report on how that’s worked out. Intern candidates need not worry, I’m happily married to a woman who scares the shit out of me, that and practically speaking, an action like that would be, shall we say, prohibitively expensive. For me anyway.
- Outstanding parenting skills. I’ll teach you how to be an effective parent while not getting up off the sofa.
What I expect:
- Tech savvy aptitude. I’m a moron at many things. My 18 year old has been helping me navigate the confusing world of remote controls, DVR’s, iPods, pads and phones, Xboxes, Netflix, sprinkler timers, coffee timers, pill reminders, carbon monoxide monitors and rechargeable batteries since he was about 5. He’s going to college this summer and I’m going to need some new to help.
- If you are local it sure wouldn’t hurt if you knew how to make good coffee.
- Attention to detail which you can demonstrate by detailing my little eco friendly Scion, a couple times this summer. it’s the one with the rust on the door and the missing tail light. If you can get that weird funky stale corn chip/rotten milk/dead squirrel smell that I can’t explain out of the car, I may actually double your gift certificate. And no there is no bag of human heads in the trunk, people have asked and I’ve looked. Several times. Might be a body wrapped in the axels I don’t know about, it’s hard to drive, shift, text and drink coffee some mornings, I might’a hit something. I’ll check when I get home.. but I think it’s something my kids dropped somewhere in the car.
- Menu planning would be a HUGE leg up. Maybe the deal winner to be honest. You provide me with a good menu every week I may marry you despite the actual cost. You go to the store and shop the groceries.. your OITW Gift Certificate just tripled baby, look’n at $59.85 in gear now- Shirt, thong and mouse pad.
- I expect you to follow my only house rule- don’t pet the dog. Never works out so well when people want to pet my dog.
I don’t care if you’re looking at certain exotic websites during the day. You could make a case that your researching pop culture, as long as you follow my guidelines
- Remember the rules of Spunk Shui, as explained by my hero Adam Carolla- keep your screen between you and any door my wife might come into, or any windows which are visible from the street.
- If you find sites that are particularly interesting or valuable please log them on a piece of paper so our editorial staff can audit your work later.
- Please clear you cookiecachehistory deal when you’re done researching. And uh, show me how to do that too in case I need to do some research.
- Join me at my happy hour brainstorms. There’s probably more than few happy hours in it for you over the course of the summer. We have a certain casual approach gleaned from Mad Men around the Old and in the in Way offices that you might just appreciate. 3:00, reach down in the drawer and break out the Dewers and some glasses, its brainstorm time!
- I’m especially interested in students who are the future B10ers. That would be Jack Welch’s Bottom 10%. For this project I don’t want to have to worry about having my job usurped by some upstart intern with actual writing talent. Please don’t be intimidated from applying just because you’ve been identified as “stupid”. I kinda like stupid. Stupid.
So what d’ya say kids. This is an amazing opportunity to learn some serious life lessons from a guy who’s lived it honestly, lesson you will carry with you through marriage and family. You’ll get a chance to update and fix-up an up and coming website. What better things do you have to do this summer?