Ok blog fans.. watch this. I link Middle School choir concerts, Sharia law, Starbucks, the artistically disfigured and in voluntary bowl sounds in one amazing blog. Dig it.
Sharia Law is illegal in the state of Oklahoma, not so in Minnesota as far as I know. Which is a good thing, because the next time I order a coffee in the morning at my local Starbucks and discover that, once again, family members have used my wallet as their personal ATM:
I
want a hand.
in a pickle jar.
On.
My.
Desk.
They wouldn’t do that to Mrs S I assure you. Matter of fact they couldn’t do that to Mrs S because Mrs S has some sort of device on her purse that alerts her, no matter where on the globe she might be, whenever someone like me even brushes against her bag. You can be killed looking in her purse without authorization. <<Shudder>>
But I had to dig in her purse because in her purse, after I was cleaned out, was our cash on hand. Cash needed to purchase two tickets to the Middle School Holiday Choir concert. $8.00. She had $20.00, I claimed she had $5.00. Not enough for two tickets, I’d buy her one if she wanted, not so good.
damn damn damn.
Seasonal Choir Concert
‘Tis that time of year again when the Sankary Parents start looking at their calendars with the realization that we have a Middle School Choir Concert on the horizon. And to be frank, we both start lining up reasons why we can’t attend the same. This, we do on our own because we each, want the other to go. Note, there are some rules of engagement in this Good Parent of the Year sweepstakes.
- All family members should attend an event when one of us is performing live. Especially during the performers tender years. Unless..
- Anyone of us has something more important to do with the following qualifications.
- That “something” has to at least sound important, “getting my nails done” or “colonoscopy” does not count because both can me moved.
- Events with other children or in the service of G-d are perfectly acceptable excuses.
- Returning a book to the Synagogue library I learned, apparently counts as Divine service and somehow, can not be rescheduled. BTW, I’ve researched and our Temple library does not in fact, have overdue fines so I’m not sure this counts going forward. Wish I’d known that last year. I was owned.
- The parent who comes up with a good excuse first has precedence over the one who is second or as we say in this, who is the first place loser. You go, you lose.
- Death in the family counts, premeditated death in the family does not, you can not kill a family member to attempt to get out of a middle school choir concert. We have both considered this as an option. Killing ones self counts as a family member BTW, unless you do it at the concert. Again, we’ve both thought about doing that.
- Death of a pet does not, especially pet fish, I tried.
- Apparently it’s not an option just to drop the girl off with a cell phone and tell her to call us when she’s done. Turns out most bars within quick strike of the school are too loud to hear the phone, and you could leave the girl there too long, which sometimes means that when you go looking for her the next day at the school all you find is a business card from a caseworker at child protective services with a note to call him.. personally I think you cut your losses at that point and just go home and make another kid.. It’s not that hard.
- Bottom line, no one wants to go to these concerts. Now I love most of my children, kinda, but I know, for fact, because they like to tell me, that not one of them is actually singing at these blessed events. In fact two of the three mouthed all the words to the songs and one, troubled middle kid, couldn’t even bother to do that. He would stand on the riser and stare out into the crowd, not even moving his lips. If they’re not going to try, why should i. Besides.. they’ve lined the middle school with lead so there’s no 3G access in there, meaning you can’t even amuse yourself with an iPhone.
- The best part of being Jewish, after being circumcised and having to pass on lobster and a good coveting… Not having to go through this whole fiasco again at Church for the Christmas Pageant.
This will be the ninth and final concert for us, and I’ve noticed that although the size of the chorus has stayed the same over the years, the size of the audience goes down by one standard deviation every year the kids are in school. 6th grade is packed, by 8th grade it’s “could the three of you move to front please so you we can see you, and sir, turn off that iPhone please”. I swear, if they sold little luxury boxes at the school auditorium and allowed a cocktail or two.. it would be a much more family friendly experience.
But I will wind up being there because I was “given” the money
Speaking of empty wallets at coffee places, when you decide to get that scary ugly neck tat, you’ve pretty much decided that “Barista” is as far as you wanna go in life. Sorry, that’s just how it is. Same goes for the pie plates in your ear lobes. The American dream for the artistically disfigured is realized much earlier than those of us in suits and ties.
And still, when I’m standing there with a cup of coffee on the counter and an empty wallet, oh the humiliation of it all. Worse I’m wearing a suit and tie and looking just so stinking professional and I can’t even muster a $1.75 for a black coffee.
Speaking of suits and ties and office workers…
I was just too damned busy to cook dinner last night. So just say’n here.. suppose you ate 3 bowls of raisin bran for dinner because would attract drooling kids and dogs who smell food but for some reason are incapable of feeding themselves despite being like 17 or so. So uh, rather than fight dinner zombies I just go with the mans quick meal; cereal. Now suppose you only have raisin bran, and like I sad you ate 3 bowls for dinner and then follow it up with another bowl for breakfast. Oh, and add on some delicious Gummi Bear things I found on the bathroom counter, which I ate, only to hear the wife asking a few minutes later “Where are my fiber gummis?” Who thought it was a good idea to make candy look-alikes for vitamins and fiber supplements???
And suppose consequently that you find yourself in the office quiet room (Stall) trying like hell to stifle the explosive sounds of a bowl that has consumed an entire wheat field worth of fiber in 8 hours.. I mean if you hypothetically find yourself in that situation.. it’s always a good idea to unclip the name badge on your belt and put it in your shirt pocket, because that’s the part that sticks out under the stall, and I assure they are going to look over to see what is making sounds like a grizzly passing a kidney stone over there. When the involuntary noises drown out the voluntary.. be discrete.
Just say’n.
