Tag Archives: birthdays

June 21, 2011 · 8:56 pm

My Mental Release- Teen Torture

There are some things that Clan McSank suck at, like observing special occasions. I’m not going to whine about Fathers Day anymore, unless you want me too in which case send me an email from the link and include your phone number. I’d like to whine over the phone if you don’t mind. That way I can bring up a few others things that are bugging me. The line to be Sank’s therapist forms at the left, wait your turn there is plenty of angst-ridden dysfunction to go around.

Today just happens to be the Daughters birthday. “What are we doing for my birthday” she asked this morning. She’s actually getting up when I do at 5:30 because the upstairs alarm is going off and I won’t tell her how to turn it off because, well becuase I’m a dick. Saves me from trying to wake her up when I leave. Also saves me from having to delay leaving for work at 6:15 to 6:18 which would inconvenience me. Mrs S is out of town this week so when the Warden is away the Trustee is in charge of the prison.

I also woke up the oldest as directed at 6:16. Mrs S’s “I’m away instruction binder”  clearly states on page 46; “Wake up #1 Son so he can get Favorite Daughter off to camp at 8:00.” Well, waking him up at 6:16 gives him plenty of time to get the job done, and.. lets me see him in a funny half awake state where he gets all pissed off but his eyes are still closed so he can’t do anything about it. It’s the cutest damn thing when he paws at the air as I shine the 50,000 candle power light at him in the morning.

Even better, when he asked this morning, the second day of my self serving post teen torture, “Dad, she’s already awake, WHY are you waking me up”.. heh and the answer this morning, there was a threat of rain “I woke you up to tell you both that camp today is..” Gawd I’m tearing up laughing at myself just retelling this, two anxious faces staring at me in disbelief as I reported “because camp today is cancelled.” Bwahahahaha.

I mentioned that I was a dick didn’t I?  Nate asked why I don’t torture his brother Red once in a while. “Because I’m a little afraid of Red, I think he could take me and he has no sense humor before 1:00pm.” After 1:00 pm his sense of humor is better than mine, but early on, not worth the drama. #1 Son is getting smarter every day now that he’s 20ish. “so, If I was meaner then you’d be a better parent?” When you put that way, “yeah probably”.

Speaking of dickiness,  I also won’t tell the girl the new Netflix password, this is so she can’t stream stupid things to her iPad. I did however tell the boys the password so they could continue their quest to watch every episode of Top Gear from BBC TV. This led to the following;

“Why do you tell them the pass and not me?”

Simple answer, “you are watching crap” nuff said. I didn’t know Hannah Montana made as many pieces of shitty TV and Movies as she did, but I can’t stand the thought of the kid watching it any more. Top Gear however? A really decent show.  Before you call Child Protective Services I told her the pass before I left. But its changing again this evening if I see ANY Nickelodeon pre teen comodies, Glee, or anything form Disney on the thing. She’s really screwing up MY Netflix recommendations with all her teenybopper garbage. Still, you do get some interesting results when you give 5 stars to Aladdin, Full Metal Jacket, the Gratefull Dead at Winterland video and Last Tango in Paris. (which changed the way I’ll look at butter for the rest of my life)

So back to Sank Family Recognition- Birthdays. I called the boys this afternoon, got the oldest. “Can you run to the store and pick up a birthday card for your sister from you and your brother. No one likes to be ignored on their birthday.” “Yeah Dad, I know”. Which, reminded me that we ignored him a few weeks ago. As he was told, this was his 16 Candles birthday. He turned 20 the day before his sisters Bat Mitzvah. Sooo, we told him upfront, prepare to be ignored.

And we delivered on that promise.

However, when she asked about her birthday I responded “we’re going to call two weeks ago your birthyday”. She stared at me, how quickly they forget. “What was two weeks ago?” “your Bat Mitzvah.” “Whaaaaat?”

Not really but we can keep her guessing.

Mrs S wanted us to wait until she got home from her trip to celebrate both kids birthdays in one trip to McDonalds. I made a Trustee decision and took the kids out tonight to Grand Creamery. Forgot my wallet again so I had to borrow $40.00 from the birthday boy to pay for it, but I’ll hit’m back when I get some cash from something that his mother doesn’t know about.

Did I not just say we suck at this?

 

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May 30, 2011 · 6:07 pm

The Big Week is Here

Friends, we have arrived, the week prior to the Daughters Bat Mitzvah.

Chaos, surprisingly, has not exactly ensued.. but the Warden has canceled all leaves effective yesterday. There are to be no unauthorized activities by any perons in this family, especially those of us who have “parent” in their job description. And if you are a parent and YOU have a Y Chromosome,the more harsh the restrictions.

Apparently we old guys have a knack for getting out doing stuff and this just isn’t the week for doing that, this is officially “do what ever your Mom says week”. I had the two boys together the other day and reminded them of the solemnity and importance of the events about to occur and in no gentle way directed them that this is not the time to question logic, there is none. This is not the time to offer suggestions, some parents aren’t in the mood to hear them. This is not the week to try anything new, and for you skateboarder types, this is NOT the week to injure yourself in anyway that would show in public or would make you ineligible to chant from the Torah on Saturday.

Mom already has a plan worked out in her head on exactly how the events of Saturday are going to come together and it is not up to us to second guess the plan. Fact is, it’s not really up to us to even know the plan in full, it will be revealed to us in low mumbles and admonitions when we mistakenly do something that’s not in the plan that we didn’t know about.

The best way to navigate the next week, I explained to the boys, is to JUST DO WHATEVER SHE SAYS. Jump? How High. And if you don’t want to work or be asked to do something, for G-ds sake do NOT laze about in the open, go hide in the basement or go to a friends.

That plan should work for about a day.

Kids are so stupid, even 20 year old kids. They simply cannot just do stuff because, they have to push boundaries and lie, cheat and steal, mine are no different.

Homework BTW, in the plan so try to do it with out being nagged or tortured.

So, prep week.

Mrs S has been organizing like a queen bee with half a hive. She’s got food plans, service plans, airport runs, Dinners, party favors, deposits, root beer keg pick ups, cake bakers, and.. she even got a photographer, thanks Sue. My jobs; mow the lawn. CHECK, get my haircut CHECK and help the daughter with her Hebrew IN PROGRESS.

Actually, between us girls, the Rabbi and the Cantors have done a remarkable job preparing the kid so I don’t really have much of a role in this other than to occasionally listen to her read and chant, and that.. well that can be done with a beer in hand. I got off easy.

Mrs S has come to the point where she’s not sleeping so well at night, sure sign that there a lot of stuff going on in her mind. I would ask, “can I do something?” but 25 years of marriage has taught me that this will only back fire into a “you don’t know what to do” speech that will leave me a smoking pile of guilty ashes, so I’m not going to ask.

I will however, do some unseen behind the scenes stuff like administer the pre-beatings, straighten up the living areas and make sure we’re well stocked in booze so that Mrs S has a Big Ginger in her hand at the end of the day. Happy Wife is Happy Life.

In the remaining days before the big event I will need your thoughts and prayers.. If experience is any guide this week will be a wild one, and will go way to fast. Saturday will come, things will come together and at some point we’ll realize its over, both her day and the last kids Mitzvah.. and I’ll be a little sad and Mrs S will be a little relieved.

Speaking of non-events-

The oldest kid, his birthday is June 3. The day before the Bat Mitzvah. He made the mistake of asking when we were going to celebrate his birthday with all this “other stuff” going on.

My response to him “Consider this your “16 Candle” birthday.. I’ll tell you right now we’re all going to forget about it, so in the amended immortal words of Junior Walker, “Buck it up, Buttercup”.

And that’s how we gonna roll.

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