Friends, we have arrived, the week prior to the Daughters Bat Mitzvah.
Chaos, surprisingly, has not exactly ensued.. but the Warden has canceled all leaves effective yesterday. There are to be no unauthorized activities by any perons in this family, especially those of us who have “parent” in their job description. And if you are a parent and YOU have a Y Chromosome,the more harsh the restrictions.
Apparently we old guys have a knack for getting out doing stuff and this just isn’t the week for doing that, this is officially “do what ever your Mom says week”. I had the two boys together the other day and reminded them of the solemnity and importance of the events about to occur and in no gentle way directed them that this is not the time to question logic, there is none. This is not the time to offer suggestions, some parents aren’t in the mood to hear them. This is not the week to try anything new, and for you skateboarder types, this is NOT the week to injure yourself in anyway that would show in public or would make you ineligible to chant from the Torah on Saturday.
Mom already has a plan worked out in her head on exactly how the events of Saturday are going to come together and it is not up to us to second guess the plan. Fact is, it’s not really up to us to even know the plan in full, it will be revealed to us in low mumbles and admonitions when we mistakenly do something that’s not in the plan that we didn’t know about.
The best way to navigate the next week, I explained to the boys, is to JUST DO WHATEVER SHE SAYS. Jump? How High. And if you don’t want to work or be asked to do something, for G-ds sake do NOT laze about in the open, go hide in the basement or go to a friends.
That plan should work for about a day.
Kids are so stupid, even 20 year old kids. They simply cannot just do stuff because, they have to push boundaries and lie, cheat and steal, mine are no different.
Homework BTW, in the plan so try to do it with out being nagged or tortured.
So, prep week.
Mrs S has been organizing like a queen bee with half a hive. She’s got food plans, service plans, airport runs, Dinners, party favors, deposits, root beer keg pick ups, cake bakers, and.. she even got a photographer, thanks Sue. My jobs; mow the lawn. CHECK, get my haircut CHECK and help the daughter with her Hebrew IN PROGRESS.
Actually, between us girls, the Rabbi and the Cantors have done a remarkable job preparing the kid so I don’t really have much of a role in this other than to occasionally listen to her read and chant, and that.. well that can be done with a beer in hand. I got off easy.
Mrs S has come to the point where she’s not sleeping so well at night, sure sign that there a lot of stuff going on in her mind. I would ask, “can I do something?” but 25 years of marriage has taught me that this will only back fire into a “you don’t know what to do” speech that will leave me a smoking pile of guilty ashes, so I’m not going to ask.
I will however, do some unseen behind the scenes stuff like administer the pre-beatings, straighten up the living areas and make sure we’re well stocked in booze so that Mrs S has a Big Ginger in her hand at the end of the day. Happy Wife is Happy Life.
In the remaining days before the big event I will need your thoughts and prayers.. If experience is any guide this week will be a wild one, and will go way to fast. Saturday will come, things will come together and at some point we’ll realize its over, both her day and the last kids Mitzvah.. and I’ll be a little sad and Mrs S will be a little relieved.
Speaking of non-events-
The oldest kid, his birthday is June 3. The day before the Bat Mitzvah. He made the mistake of asking when we were going to celebrate his birthday with all this “other stuff” going on.
My response to him “Consider this your “16 Candle” birthday.. I’ll tell you right now we’re all going to forget about it, so in the amended immortal words of Junior Walker, “Buck it up, Buttercup”.
And that’s how we gonna roll.