I had so many things to write about this week. So many intended posts. Such wasted brain power. Can too much brain power be a problem? I reflected on this question earlier this week when I entered into discussion with colleague regarding the aesthetics of a shaved head. Seems that a fellow of work has decided to forgo the complications brought from managing a head full of nasty long hair and has completely shaved his head. I myself happened on the freedom a shorn scalp brings many years ago following an unfortunate incident during a home haircut. Being too cheap to shell out what at the time was $7.95 to a beauty school drop out at SuperCuts for a 10 minute service I attempted to do it myself, and learned by experience the First Law of Home Haircuting;
The is only one sure thing in the world of do it yourself haircuts: the BUZZ.
Fellow at work however, being somewhat braver than I, has gone as step further and completely shaved his head. Bald. Mr. Clean. Domius Chromius. Buff’n Wax. Top Side Brazilian. Shinerbok, he is completely bald.
Oh that I had the courage to sport a glistening, waxed head of hairless magnificence.
Or do I?
￼On further contemplation I realize that if you were to create a chart describing the amount of time spent working on ones hair, or head in baldness, it is not a decreasing trend-line that ends a zero. Rather, moving from buzz to the lowest hair height, BALD actually increases your hair workload significantly. Unless of course you have been blessed by your mothers X Chromosome with the gift of complete and total baldness. For reference, see this chart:
If I adopt complete baldness I would have to extend my morning shaving routine to include my head, which sounds problematic on a couple fronts.
My father said to me once, when I first grew my goatee, had it all cultivated and trimmed up, “Boy” he said, in the way Texans do, “Why’ya grow’n on ya’face what grows on ya’ass for free?” Interesting colloquialism, but didn’t apply to I don’t have a beard on my ass, but I get the point. He also referred to the goatee as a “hippie patch” and finally a “prison pussy”. And this was before Pussy Riot was even a twinkle in some Putins eye.
Mostly he called it ugly. But he did like my buzz cut. Called it “sensible”, thought it looked I was 5 years old again. For reference, here’s a picture of me rocking a buzz cut in 1968 with my two best friends, Jerrold and Janiel. Last time I saw them was 1970. I guess “best” wouldn’t be the most current adjective to describe our relationship these days. I should reconsider. However it’s funny that I can remember these two, their names, the fact that they were twins, their parents names, their house, their pool, the neighborhood and I yet can’t remember the name of the guy who has worked across the hall from me for the last year. My harddrive must be full. My head is exploding with useless facts. Maybe that explains why I can’t be bald.
You know what’s also remarkable about this picture? I’m rocking a button down oxford cloth dress shirt. Short sleeve I know, that’s uncool, but hey it was 1968. I mean come on, check out Janiel’s dress. How drop dead cool is that print? I wonder if she’s still groovy 45 years later? Does she have a daughter? Does her daughter know about this dress?
I don’t know the color of that shirt because color film hadn’t been invented when this picture was taken. Never the less this is a very exciting image for me. My wife on rare occasion offers feedback about my wardrobe. Among her concerns are that I’ve been wearing the “same style shirt” since college, a blue button down oxford cloth dress shirt. This is true but there’s so much more to the story. I now have incontrovertible evidence that I have in fact been wearing that same style shirt since kindergarten so hell to the yes on you woman. And, I do wear other things too. I would also point out that since 2003 I’ve been wearing black tee shirts on the weekends. I mix things up. I’m fashion sensible.
Why would a guy who cuts his own hair to level BUZZ to avoid having to fuss with it even consider anything but the same easy care outfit every day? I am consistent.
Regarding Chickie, my pet chicken. Chickie lived with us for 2 glorious weeks in the summer of 1968. Worried about the social and political turmoil of the time my parents attempted to distract me with a pet. A pet chicken. Unfortunately they didn’t pay attention to the local ordinances in Sacramento concerning the chickens, the law being that said birds had to be dead and plucked before you could keep one in the house. My folks sent Chickie to farm, lot my pets went to a “farm” by the way. “Farm” is euphemism for Pet Death Camp in my family.
Anyways I was told Chickie would be processed there, which meant he was made compliant for city living and could be my pet again. He wasn’t as interesting a pet once he was cold and all hollowed out, he stunk and didn’t move much. So we ate him. Nice lesson in the circle of life.
Lets bring this rambling POS back home.
I want to shave my head, or rather wanted to shave my head, but on analysis have concluded that I’d be actually dong more work to maintain my beauty than I do with my current buzz cut. A cut that goes back at least 4.5 decades. I also have been prohibited, by decree of the family steering committee, to shave my head because, and this is difficult to write, as it was difficult to hear, I have a um.. well lets just toss it out there.
I have a weird head. It’s odd, and thats not really attractive.
For one thing it’s freakishly large. That comes out in the photo above. Was large then, is large now. BTW, no correlation to anything else, you’re thinking of feet and hands. I wear a size 8 hat. Same size as my shoes unfortunately.
My head is also defective. I don’t know if I’m a forceps baby, back then probably was, doctor also probably had a cig hanging out of his mouth as was pulling me out with the salad spoons. My head has several dents and lumps. Should the science of phrenology make a comeback, I’m going to make a mint as a head model for new practitioners. I think my head is large and deformed because the skull I was born with just can’t handle the amount of grey matter and useless facts it’s been asked to contain.
Mrs S has another theory which I won’t dignify with a mention here, suffice to say she recommends that I grow enough hair to “even out the weirdness”.
Buzz cut it is.