Mrs S was backing her Camry out of her coveted spot in a Synagogues High Holidays parking lot. During the holidays any parking spot within in a mile of the shul is coveted.
It was my job to alert her if she was going to hit something. But, shock of all shocks, I found myself distracted. I was trying to calculate the delta between the value of my wife’s car and the new BMW she was about to back into. Strangely fascinating for some reason, and probably a significant gap in value, I’m guessing somewhere in the neighborhood of $73.5, $75K for the Beemer $1.5K for her 1997 Toyota Camry. That includes the $.5k for the new snow tires and rims that we just bought for it. BTW new lock tight, easy change rims that when asked at dinner last night by a friend “what are they for?” I answered “they’re a way for tire stores to build margin and sales dollars when housewives come in and ask about snow tires.”
Funny what distracts me, right after I said that I was distracted by Mrs S calling me something bad. Good thing we were with friends, or as I liked to think of them last night “witnesses”. “Have another glass of wine pumpkin”.
Good news is she didn’t hit the car, she saw it, no thanks to me mind you, and was able to avoid the collision. What a great way to kick off the new year with the family, ignoring my wife’s requests.
Speaking of rims, it’s never too early to start thinking about swapping out snow tires. Said the guy sitting on the porch writing this piece when it’s 82 degrees the Twin Cities. I think we might have a couple weeks or so before we have to start thinking about winter weather around here.
I had planned to go to the lake this weekend. This is the time of year when I make lots of plans to go to the lake but actually cash in on almost none of them. I feel like I haven’t been home in a while and since I had to come back early anyway for a friend’s wedding party tomorrow meh…
Mrs S was asking what we should get the 50 something year old newlyweds who have been living together for 5 years or so, and whom were married previously. [Not to each other, just to be obvious] I’m a great gift giver, Mrs S not so much. She takes too long to pull the trigger on gifts. Analysis paralysis. I’m a pick and go kinda guy.
“So what should we get them?”
“Lets gett’m a fantasy basket from Fantasy Gifts (allegedly the local “marital aids” store). I think gett’m some oils and gels and a few small appliances would be a great gift that they wouldn’t buy for themselves.”
More silence punctuated by indignation. Feigned indignation mind you, the very best kind.
First of all I am not a pig, I’m a normal 51 year old dude who is not quite dead yet. Close but not room temperature.
And what she might ask, and did ask, would I do if I got a gift like that from friends? Well I’d laugh, I’d pretend to be embarrassed, I’d close the box as soon as I opened it and remark how funny and clever everyone was and move on. And I’d put the box aside ignore it while my guests were around. BUT and this is a big but, I guaran-damn-tee-ya my heart of hearts would be high fiving my personal libido button about right then. Just thinking about trying out that massage oil that bursts into flames when you blow on it.. man, I’ve read about stuff like that and now here it is.
Homecoming at the Casa Del Sank-A-Ray this weekend. The daughter is going. I was not consulted, or conciliated. I guess that had I been consulted I would have to have been conciliated because I would have said “Nyet”. Hate dances, hate big teen events, hate socializing. Waste of time and money. Unfortunately my frugal relationship burning ways did not get passed on to the girl. And there’s this issue that Mrs S is down to her very last couple chances to get a kid all spit shined and polished up for pictures and an event. Boys never went to a dance. Hell they never went on a date that I know off. Fact is one’s 23 and ones 20 and as far as I know, the streak remains intact.
This homecoming thing has already cost me in hair appointments, which Mrs S assures me are like $12.00. Probably less since I’m told that’s the amount she tells me her monthly cut and color costs. Girl don’t need no coloring. Great Clips is like $10.00 last time I checked. Last haircut I paid for BTW… $8.00 in 1992. I digress. Dress came from Kohls so I know it was cheap. In every way mind you.
“Hey Dad want to see my outfit for the dance?”
“Sure” I never get included in anything around here.
She came down and showed it to me.
“What do you think Dad?”
“Uh, where’s the rest of it?”
Eye roll, the female exhale of indignation, blah blah blah..
The disembodied voice from Mrs S up in her room on the feinting couch.. ’cause if she don’t get her chill time in, it’s hell for all.
“Why did you bother to ask him?”
“‘Cause he things we don’t include him in anything.”
Blah blah blah
But you know, I hadda make a point “I can HEAR YOU GUYS”.
Which apparently is really funny to Mrs S because I can’t hear anything else she says.
Which is why I have a man cave, where it looks like I’ll be hiding out this weekend.