Carnage and Paradise in 4 Bullets or less.

1) I have to write an outline for project at NamelessFaceless next week.

A)I love outlines.

B) I think in outlines.

Oh the humanity of it all. 14 March- Broken Bone Day in Minnesota.

The Cities were hit with a wintery mix of ice and snow overnight Wednesday. In that order, which makes a difference because.. the snow covered the ice, which resulted in people flying in all directions and not of their own accord:

-          Your favorite old fat ass fell on said ass not once, but twice on the ice. Twice in the same morning I made contact with the sidewalk in a way that I’m loathe to repeat.

Aside here- you know, I’ve lived here in the Great Del Norte Blanco for 18 years and in that time have actually never slipped on wild ice. Meaning ice that wasn’t where it was supposed to be. I have slipped on lake ice, but that’s kinda of expected. But on the street never. Twice in one morning.

Neither fall was particularly devastating.

The first one was one was a face plant where the feet went south whilst the head went north. I broke my fall with right hand, my left successfully hanging on to a cup of coffee that I’m proud to say, leaked not.
The second fall, that was more of a death spiral where the plant foot begins to rotate in a clockwise direction and, being unable to stop it, one attempts to mitigate the fall by sort of rolling to the ground in the same direction. The bad news on that kind of fall, more of my um, expansive shall we say, surface area came in contact with the street resulting in wet pants.
Wet dress pants. Which in the words of George Orwell is Doubleplusungood.
But I wasn’t alone

-          Friend of mine broke his leg falling yesterday. While he was in the emergency room his wife counted no less than 10 others in assorted arms, legs plus a couple hips for good measure.

-          Several people in my cube farm reported difficulties with traction and gravity. And these aren’t oldsters like me.

Still, it’s a small price to pay for the privilege of living in paradise. I have a rather narrow definition of paradise but it looks something like this (as long as I’m in the list making mode.)

“List making mode” you ask, “wtf is that?” Thanks for asking, it’s that thing where you lack the creativity and impetus to string more than two sentences together so you hit the “Bullet” button on your word processor and then you get a list of stuff that people mistake for coherent thoughts but really were just lazy drivel. Drivel BTW is the old English term for “blog”. You can use them interchangeably sayeth I. See what I did there? Old English, sayeth, clever eh?  

If anyone has gotten down this far, personally would have hit next on my Flipboard reader about three paragraphs ago, my definition of Paradise is a place with the following attributes:

  1. Comfortable shoes
  2. Interesting weather.
  3. Free Wifi.
  4. Warm place to shit.

Other than that I’m not sure what else you need. The Baseball package would be nice too.

So would a lake.

But that’s it.

Oh, add good coffee. What’s good coffee you ask?

  1. Dark roasted Arabica beans.
  2. Ground seconds before brewing.
  3. Made strong, like I like my women. And  my opinions.
  4. Made by someone else and brought to me.

Quiet would be nice too. No talking in Paradise. Well, no conversation anyway. I find conversation in my house to be really really difficult because everyone else won’t stop talking. F’n exhausting.

Maybe a conversation with some interesting folks. Hmm.. that would be cool for short periods of time.

As you can see Paradise is unattainable, at least in my current existence, but three out of four on these two lists ain’t bad. Notice what Paradise isn’t:

  1. Beaches and palm trees. I find beaches interesting only when storms are coming in or when cool dead things are washing up on shore. Other than that I get bored after a few nanoseconds. Palm trees BTW, dirty trees that drop things on you like coconuts and palm fronds, which in my experience can seriously kill you. Gimmie a pine tree. Looks nice and kills the grass under it. Call that “self-maintaining”.
  2. Swimsuit models at my beck and call. Unless they’re bringing me coffee I really have no use for a bunch of scantly clad babes. At some point they’re going to want to strike up a conversation with me and conversations.. this is my paradise, no talking. BTW just one reason why I’ve never embraced radical Islamic terrorism, the promise of 100 virgins to me sounds like spending eternity locked in a house with 100 teenage girls. I would seriously put that on a list with a different title if you know what I’m saying.
  3. Free Golf. Not even going to bother with that one.
  4. Bottomless glasses of 25 year old single malt.. Boy that’s a toughie but you know, but I certainly don’t to spend half my time in Paradise hung.

There you have it..

But Sank, this makes no sense whatsoever, what’s this drivel blog about? Fact is I’ve spent the last several weeks spending much of my waking hours in PowerPoint. 4 bullet point lists are the backbone of American business these days. I remember when a “deck” was something you stood on when you walked out your back window. Now it’s a way for Business Folks to measure accomplishments. The bigger the deck the more accomplished you are.

I, want to be accomplished. Four lists which are only slightly connected. I might have earned an MBA.

Now, you have it.

3 Comments

Filed under Life

3 responses to “Carnage and Paradise in 4 Bullets or less.

  1. Bullets. I like bullets. Makes things easier for my ever-shortening attention span.

    Oh, and glad you didn’t break anything more than your dignity with your falls. Not that you weren’t trying, with two in the same morning and all.

  2. -Love, love the realistic take on virgins
    -I could picture your falls on the ice perfectly….great descriptions
    -Paradise without scotch? True paradise=no hangovers
    -Bullet posts allow easy bullet replies

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