I’m Break’n the Law

Cool this morning here in the great white north. It’s not as white up here as it has been this time of year, we have about 4” of snow on the ground around the Casa. “Normal” for this time of year would be about 12” or more. Apparently if we had had that much snow on the ground we could expect temps overnight to be 15 degree colder than it was. Well, when I got up this morning the old creaky thermometer on the deck was reporting a brisk 15 degrees below zero. For those of you tracking in Celsius that’s -26. Etch glass with your nipples at those temps.

 Don’t care who’ya’are, that’s cold. 30 below would have been frigid.

At 15 the weather service issues the following warning, taken directly from their site:

This will result in
frost bite and lead to hypothermia if precautions are not taken.
When venturing outdoors… make sure you wear a hat and gloves.

Is that something we have to tell people? I’m wonder if there are in fact people who rely on this information to decide to wear a hat and gloves. News didn’t say anything about coats. A coat is more important in the overall scheme of things when thinking about hypothermia, than a hat or a glove. If I go outside wearing a hat and gloves but no coat, and freeze to death in the process, does my family have the right to sue the Weather Service for withholding critical information that could have prevented my demise?

I’m just ask’n.

This morning I broke the law. 99.9 percent of the time I’m a law abiding citizen. Prison is a great deterrent for me, a soft pinkish flabby fat man with moobs and no ability to defend himself wouldn’t last long in prison. Pretty sure I’d be sold for a pack of cigs. On the other hand I think prisons are smoke free now. Good, put the soft doughy dude into a pen of convicts who are participating in an involuntary smoking cessation program. Excellent.

So here’s what I did, ready.. I warmed up the car.

Yup, I backed the Durango out of the garage and left it running in the driveway to warm up. In Minneapolis I’ve learned it is illegal to leave a car running in the driveway with the keys in it. If you have a car starter, a popular northland accessory, press a button on your key chain and the car starts itself, you are limited to 3 minutes. A police man with a stopwatch could come by and cite you.

Why?

The reasons I’ve heard cited by the Social Engineers in this State-

-          Risk of having your car stolen.

  • OK fair enough. But regulating me to keep my car from being stolen is lame. Saves police work ok.. but just say you’re not going to look for it because your too busy, like you do when the steal my car in every other circumstance.

-          Wasting gas.

  • OK, this blows past lame and into the general realm of moronic. Yes I’m wasting gas. My gas that I paid $3.50 a gallon for, I’m going Libertarian on this and suggest it’s none of their beezos.

Turns out most cities in Minnesota have similar ordinances. Warming up the car is illegal.

You know what, at -15F we are approximately 20 degrees colder than the inside of my freezer. If stepped in from the outside and into my freezer, I’d be taking shit off, like my hat and gloves.

This morning I pulled the car into the driveway, popped Judas Priest in the CD player, little “Break’n the Law” and watched as the CD player promptly ejected the disc and flashed “error” on the screen. Too cold for the CD player. Windows fogged with my second breath. Not sure how that happens when most off the moisture in my breath instantly crystalized and dropped into my lap. More argument for warming up the car, decided to add another 10 minutes to the warm up time after that. When back in the house and 20 minutes later I crawled into the toasty warm truck and off to work I went. CD Player working fine.

I hope nobody reports me.

2 Comments

Filed under Life

2 responses to “I’m Break’n the Law

  1. I will report you only for your ability to see humor in this cold snap. Excellent piece of comedy you have here. Have you ever considered a career as a comedian? I am not joking.

    Funny story from the college kid who lives in Fargo: He texted me a week ago with the message that the cheap Wally hat I had purchased for him does not cut the Fargo wind. So how does he solve the problem, other than moving? He orders a surplus Russian military hat online. Only problem, it has the emblem for Soviet Russia on the hat.

  2. I suppose your ungodly cold averages out with our unseasonable warmth (50-something today) to make it a normal winter.

    We have “puffing” laws in Colorado too and I have the same complaints about them that you do. And here there’s no pretense about saving gas or reducing air pollution. It’s all about the insurance companies not wanting to shell out for stolen cars. So the police go around ticketing car owners instead of chasing the car thieves. Talk about bass ackwards!

Lemmie know what you think..

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