‘Minnesota Center for Torture please listen to our entire menu; for English press1, para Español marque el numero dos.
If you are a victim of torture please press 3, if you would like to be a victim of torture please press 4, if you are a torturer looking for a sub please press 5, all other inquires press 0.”
* four*…. whoops no *three* Freudian slip.
If you are a victim of physical torture please press 1, if you have been subjected to psychological torture please press 2, if you have been subjected to physical and mental torture please press 3, to hear this menu again press 0.
Psychological torture. If your tormentor is known to you press 1, if your tormentor is a stranger press 2.
If your tormentor is a family member press 1,
if your tormentor is a friend press 2,
if your tormentor is a co-worker, supervisor, subordinate, student or teacher please press 3,
if your tormentor is a neighbor please press 4,
if your tormentor is governmental agency please press 5.
if your tormentors are children press 6, 7 and 8
If your tormentor is a parent please press 1,
If your tormentor is a spouse please press 2,
If you tormentor is an extended family member; aunt, uncle, in-law, grandparent, cousin, second cousin please press 3.
If your tormentor your husband, press 1
If your tormentor is your wife press 2.
Clickity click, ba-doop ba-doop
Good afternoon you have reached the Minnesota Torture Hotline for Spouses. You have indicated that you are being tortured by your wife, if this is true press 1, to go back press 2.
Thank you for calling the Minnesota Torture Hotline, you have indicated that you are being tortured by your wife, if this call in reference to a viewing of Les Miserables please press 1, for all other calls press 2.
Thank you for calling the Minnesota Torture Center, Les Miserables hotline. We are experiencing absurdly high call volume at this moment and all of our agents are busy, please hold, your approximate wait time is 11 hours and 17 minutes.
I was sitting in a torture chair, my torturer was screaming at me. Or maybe singing…
“Sank”… a voice coming through the fog.
“SANK” the voice was was my wifes. As I came too I found myself in a chair in a not-so-dark theatre, credits were rolling, people were leaving and I had a ripping crick in my neck from sitting awkwardly in a theatre chair for the whole afternoon. “Dude it’s over, you were sleeping… and snoring. You.. are embarrassing. C’mon lezgo.” Apparenlty it’s hard to cry in a movie when your sitting next your fat husband whose snoring away in public.
What a session that was, three hours I’m not getting back.