Green Road Rage

Road Rage for the new Reality

As the price of fuel continues its outrageous death spiral, driving stakes into our once robust economy (Just how F’n clueless is this President of ours? No recession? Should be continue to allow ourselves to be governed by people who have never been in a grocery store or filled a car with gas in the last several decades) I’m finally starting to see a few less of the SUV’s and Monster Trucks on the roadways. Seems that about $3.50 is where we Americans start to question our love affair Detroit’s latest version of the Urban Assault Vehicle.

I had a vision of our future in America. Road Rage with fuel efficient cars. Regular readers of this column may remember that a few years ago Team Sank pulled the trigger on a new fuel efficient vehicle, the Scion B, or as she’s affectionately known around the house, The Speck. Not really a family who uses proper names for anything, we now have the truck (Durango read 13 MPG), the Loser Cruiser aka the LC or Grandpa’s car. He sold it to us for $20.00 around the Holidays. (1996 Camry) and the speck.

Coincidently the cars are driven by Mrs S or Ma’am, depending on where you in the pecking order and the Jock. Again long time readers know the Jock, our oldest son and heir to the estate. Recently he’s been referred to less and less behind closed doors as the Jock and more and more as the Dufus. A reaction to Teenagehood and his newfound state of lacking anything resembling common sense.

Anyway…. One of the issues driving the speck, other than that the ribbing I take from people about a guy my size driving a car with about the same dimensions of a golf cart, (Hey, does that car eyelashes as an option? Or Exactly how many clowns can you fit in that thing) is the propensity for me to find SUV’s and Trucks riding my ass on the highway because they are insulted by finding themselves behind a car the size of the their headlight. Nevermind we’re probably going at about 75 mph… I haven’t completely adopted the complete fuel efficient lifestyle, I just use a bit less gas in speeding.

One thing about my fellow Liberals, we do fancy driving slow. As if to say “I’m saving the planet twice here, once by driving just under the posted speed limit, and twice by keeping YOU, you carbon footprint cretin from driving to fast as well. “BACK OFF PEOPLE WE”RE DOING GOOD THINGS HERE”. Is the message hidden behind those “What Would Wellstone Do” and “He’s Not My President” stickers. (Both of which BTW, drive me crazy, one because Paul Wellstone, by being a rabble rouser and somewhere to the left of Che Guerra allowed himself to be completely marginalized by both parties and therefore gave us two ineffective terms in the Senate. But he is the darling of MN Liberals for some reason. Must be the green bus. AND just ‘cause you didn’t vote for guy, don’t support the guy, doesn’t mean he’s not your guy. Read up on Democracy in your encyclopedia dumb ass. You win some you lose some and you remain loyal to the process and the leaders it produces. Don’t like it? Cuba is a great example of the system you suggest)

Wow, I’m segueing I bit much today, even for me… Where was I?

So I found myself, in the speck, behind a Toyota Prius doing about 20 miles below the posted speed limit on the freeway in rush hour. Oh, in the fast lane. “Move your freaking green ass over dude. I’m just as green as you…” Actually, I’m greener. My Speck has a lower “carbon footprint” than his Prius. At least that’s what I’ve read, over the long haul my car is less of an impact because those batteries of his are massive toxic waste dumps.

As we go along there are cars behind me stretched to the damn horizon, in front of Prius.. nothing. Open road as far as you can see. To the right of us, lanes of fast moving rush hour traffic boxing us in, to the left.. meridian.

I decide to try to intimidate the Prius with my Scion. The very mention of this statement shows you the twisted state of affairs around here. Downshifting to 4^th gear, I zoom up on the Prius, my massive .5 liter 3 banger screaming like a banshee in heat. Prius responds by putting on his hazard lights and waving at me Oh, and, dropping down to 35 miles an hour. The car behind me is a Ford FX50 where X is equal to a number over 3 I’m sure. Basically I can see the bottom of his bumper and his differential in my rearview mirror. I’m not sure he’s even noticed my car ahead of him. I’m sure he’s looking down on my blue rooftop and swearing. Hopefully he’s see’s it’s not me. I also hopes he notices my Jeff Gordon number on the back of the Speck. I figured a NASCAR identification for the speck would be a good chuckle. It is.

Finally we get on another highway, the famous cross-town freeway, where we’re fed into the left lane. I zip into the right, lane shift into 5^th and slam down the hammer engaging all 50 horses at the same time. The acceleration is barely perceptible for some reason, but it’s enough to pull me even with Prius. I glance at my nemesis. We’re now rocketing down freeway at almost 45 miles per hour. Wind whipping, wound up rice-burners screaming. What a thrill, I’m back in love with driving. The dude in the other car… talk about a stereotype Prius Driver. Skinny, grey un-kept hair, round little Lennon glasses, skinny as can be, blue striped button down collar sticking out through his v-neck sweater.. gripping the wheel with both hands and now, realizing that I was the least of his problems as a 5 ton Ford Truck is bearing down on him, glances at my and honks, giving me a stern finger wag, and a glare that he probably has used since he last got cut off in the coop parking lot. If we could stop, I’m SURE he’d tell me my driving was “inappropriate”.

I may be driving a “green” car, it may look like I’m wearing Birkenstocks and worrying about global warming.. but if you want inappropriate.. here it is man.. I flipped the bird and flew by him, and rocketed up to the posted speed limit.

Later, in reflection, when I mentioned it to my conservative Republican talkshow listening wife, her response was typical. “You’re an idiot. Two do gooders going after each other on the freeway in a road rage incident. What would have happened if you two would have pulled over? Shouted inappropriate hurtful things to each other? What a sad state of affairs.”